You Know You’re A Crispy Critter When…
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- …you’re built like a burlap bag fulla bobcats.
- …when you drive 500 miles to Colorado from the flatlands of Kansas to the railroad museum in Denver just to see a Galloping Goose, and take the back roads to Ouray and Telluride, Delores and Silverton.
Randall “Snoopy” Clague
- …if you answer hard questions, “Beats the hell out of me, Roy”.
- …if you’re filling out a report, and under “What is the sequence of events that led up to the incident?” you begin the recitation with, “That’s a long story, Harold.”
- …when you have bought a rubber duck hood ornament for each of your trucks!
- …you know what a bolo knife is.
- …you’ve actually told your daughter “that ain’t a rock, what you got there ain’t no bigger than a grapefruit”.
- …you traded your Lincoln Towncar for a used soft-top Jeep with a manual transmission.
- …your dog throws up whenever he eats peanut butter.
- …you’re always at the Conoco station run by a guy who might as well be Harold Sykes.
- …you have actually owned a vehicle that you started using a nail in the ignition switch.
- …you own every C.W. McCall record, cassette, 8-track or CD ever made.
Scott Buehler (“Swamphunter”)
- …you play The Best of C.W. McCall CD so much your little boy knows the words to “The Gallopin’ Goose” before he can write his name.
- …you spend over 25 man-hours trying to scratch build an HO model of Number 5 from the Rio Grande.
- …you’re aimin’ ta join the Pottawattamie County Re-serve Patrol.
- …you’ve got numerous claw marks from “Roy”. (Garden snakes don’t agree with him, ya see?)
- …you claim your Macintosh is really a Peterbilt.
- …the weathered sign over basement door says, “Camp Bird Mine”.
- …your fingers are blackened with newsprint searching for “Big Ol’ Fat Commando Tires©”.
- …your offer to leave a pint of blood as a deposit has bank security fingering his Colt.
- …your flatulent dog’s full name is “Aurora Borealis”.
- …your science project is “Settin’ an’ A-Lettin’ that Radio Fry.”
station has a restraining order against you.
and the Number One way You Know You’re A Crispy Critter…
- “…Hereford Pie”
- …you remember Bill’s birthday, but forget your wife’s.
- …you dress up as Al Packer for Halloween.
- …you name your daughter “Billie Fries”.
- …your personalized plates read 4WCBOY.
- …you plant corn in the backyard, just so you can drive through it and witness “yellow hail”.
- …the local radio station calls to borrow your C.W. McCall & Co. LP.
- …you can find all of the “Lost Lakes” in Colorado.
- …your idea of a vacation is looking for all of the “Lost Lakes” in Colorado.
- …you’re both sound asleep in bed and you wake your wife up by downshifting her knee and asking for a 20 on the Rubber Duck.
- …you’ve actually considered renting a billboard and having printed on it in “big ol’ black and bloody letters” 10 feet tall:
- …you’ve gone 50 miles out of your way on a family vacation just to be able to drive through Audubon, Iowa and eat at a cafe there. (True story!)
- …the people at the local used record store know you by name, and tell you “there aren’t any different C.W. McCall records in yet” as soon as you walk through the door.
- …you have a C.B. in your car, and your handle is one of the characters in the song “Convoy”.
- …you have C.W. McCall 8-tracks, and still play them occasionally.
- …you have ever introduced yourself and your friend as: “My name’s Fairweather Lewis, and this here’s Willard Clark”.
- …if your house was on fire, after saving your wife/husband, kids and animals, you would grab your C.W. McCall albums.
- …you have ever been caught holding a tambourine, sucking your thumb, and sound asleep on the john.
- …your son or daughter has ever drawn a picture of the road you were going to drive, and it looked like a bunch of Z’s and W’s all strung together.
- …you have visited CW-McCall.com more than once.
- …you can “sing” along with the words of most all of C.W.’s songs, but the one that was the easiest was “Classified”.
- …you drive into the side of a feed store, just so you can brag about it.
- …your job at the local golf course includes flattening gopher mounds with a CJ-5.
- …you commute to your job via Black Bear Road.
- …three times a day, you face Audubon, Iowa and pray.
- …in the winter, you refer to your driveway as “The Riverside Slide”.
- …u actually have a cj 5 with 4 wheel drive and there’s always a smokey on ur tail.
- …u have applied for counselship in the town ran by the space cadet and his band of crispy critters.
- …u’ve tried to float the convoy consisting of u and 10 of ur friends across the atlantic ocean, in ur semis.
- …you drive 800 miles out of the beaten path to spend the night in Ouray, visit Telluride and Silverton and see the Al Packer monument.
- …you drive the Black Bear Road, but only after staying in bed and sleeping late.
- …you re-create the cover of the Black Bear Road album. *grin*
- …you’ve set CW-McCall.com as your browser default page.
- …you’ve ever written a song for or in honor of C.W.
- …you know Bill Fries’ mailing address by heart. (Bonus points: if you can’t remember your own parent’s or children’s address, though.)
- …you’ve got Bill Fries’ phone number on speed dial. (Bonus points: if listed above your relatives.)
- …you’ve caught yourself checking your inbox more than twice on Monday nights if the Legend-News is even an hour late
- …you find your car is broken into, you don’t care about the radio, but you frantically make sure they’ve not taken your C.W. CDs and tapes. (Bonus points: if you don’t even carry the originals in your car due to their deep personal and sentimental value.)
- …all of your C.W. vinyl is autographed. (Bonus points: if they’re all personalized autographs.)
- …you’ve never missed bringin’ your Momma roses for her birthday.
- …you avoid the I-680 ramp, for some unknown reason.
- …you’ve named your dog Sloan. (Bonus points for namin’ yer kid Sloan.)
- …you’ve ever said “Ah, breaker one-nine, this here’s the Rubber Duck…” over CB radio. (Bonus points: if you’ve ever given the response line to that.)
- …Bill knows you by sight. (Bonus points: if he doesn’t turn and run.)
- …you bought a CJ-5, just because.
- …you run Commando tires on your CJ-5. (Bonus points: if you run Commando Tires on your non-4x4 vehicle.)
- …you start to sing “Wolf Creek Pass” while you clean chicken scum off the back patio. (We keep a few chickens in the backyard, you see.)
- …the only regret you have that your storage unit was broken into is the fact that they took your vinyl collection with all your C.W. albums.
- …you sing “Aurora Borealis” when the wife and you are looking at the stars.
- …you can sing along to every song on the “Greatest Hits” CD the first time you hear it.
- …you drive 200 miles out-of-route to take Wolf Creek Pass in a loaded semi and count the phone poles going by.
- …the Saturday night ’70s show DJ has learned to recognize your voice and already knows what ’76 #1 you’re going to request.
- …you had a bumper sticker custom-made for your truck that says “Vote for Dick”.
- …you’ve driven hundreds of miles out of your way just to see the Nishnabotna; bonus if you found any toads.
- …while on a family vacation, you make a special stop to take pictures at a Conoco station.
- …you’ve paid over $100 on eBay for a mint copy of the “Convoy” video.
- …you go out to Southern Colorado to buy property in Silverton.
- …you fly over Durango-Silverton-Lake City area to find clouds to seed. Tryin’ ta make it rain, baby.
- …you fly back to “The Mountains On My Mind” for vacation (and not during the tourist season).
- …you meet a professional colleague who tells you he happens to have been born in a small Colorado town called Walsenburg and you begin to chuckle for no apparent reason.
- …you send a card or letter to Jesus in care of Del Rio, Texas.
Carlos Werner Heinzelmann
- …the first CD you buy in a virtual store is C.W. McCall’s Greatest Hits. (I did.)
J. Davis (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- …nobody understands your email address!
- …your e-mail name is “campbird”.
- …you actually made a “chromium-plated, fully illuminated, genuine accessory shift knob” for your 4x4, which you bought just to go see if those places were real.
- …on your first trip to Colorado, you stage a picture with the 4x4 at the summit of Wolf Creek Pass with a can of Nehi, Knorr Onion Soup Mix, and a rubber chicken.
- …you spend $1000 on parts for your computer just so you can burn CDs of C. W. McCall albums.
- …you can recite the narration of “San Juan Odyssey” from memory.
- …you tape the live intro Bill did for SJO, and make a tape with the intro blending into the soundtrack, just so you can get the full experience when you listen to it.
- …you lobby TV Land to put the Old Home Bread ads on their retromercials .
- …you have an original 45 single of “Convoy”
- …you have The Best of C.W. McCall cassette
- …you have an original videotape of “Convoy”, autographed by C.W. McCall
- …you have a video from VH1 of C.W. McCall performing “Convoy” on the Mike Douglas Show in 1976
- …you have a “C.W. McCall and Friends” Fan Club Card
- …you have a white t-shirt with the word “Convoy” custom-made with chrome letters
- …you have an ERTL die-cast model Rubber Duck Toy Truck in the original box, with a store promotion
- …you have an ERTL 1/25th scale plastic model kit of the Rubber Duck Truck Cab
- …you have original “Convoy” movie posters from the USA, Germany, and the Netherlands
- …you have a “Convoy” movie program, in Japanese
- …you have the issue of The Star with the C.W. McCall interview
- …you have the A&E Biographies of Kris Kristofferson and Ernest Borgnine
- …you have The Best Damn “Convoy” Movie Site In The World!