The Legend-News

Monday, 2000 April 17 : Volume 3, Number 15

They went that-a-way! Convoy 2000 Tip Of The Week

Although the Convoy 2000 Information Page contains detailed information about the route and schedule of The Convoy, we here at The Legend-News have identified a need for simple instructions.

Three Easy Steps To A Successful Convoy 2000

  1. Go to San Bernardino on the 6th of June.
  2. Point vehicle in an eastwardly direction.
  3. Place foot on accelerator pedal and press.

Note: be certain to bring enough change for the cashboxes. They don't take checks or credit cards.

It's A Small World, After All... Make it stop! Make it stop!

When I began the web site of "C.W. McCall: An American Legend" -- a story which I won't repeat here -- I did it as a hobby. Whether it achieved any sort of recognition wasn't in the plan; I just wanted to put the words of C.W. where everyone could find them. Not that I'm making any money from this effort, unless you count the occasional free plug on a certain St. Louis radio station.

The mailing list, Other Wild Places, now has about 90 subscribers (plus 7 on the newsletter-only list for The Legend-News). These "Crispy Critters", as they call themselves, can be found in many places that are not in the U.S. of A. Like Werner in Brazil, Jan in Norway, Ariana in Australia, and if I'd paid more attention I could name some others. Curiously, the list has a lot of members from Iowa, a.k.a. The Birthplace of Bill Fries. And this past week revealed two interesting stories of people with connections to C.W. McCall.

The events began on Friday morning, when Denise Pigsley posted her first message to the list, telling us

"I am very excited to have found this! Is there anyone else on the list who is family?"

My first thought was of a song by Sister Sledge. But what Denise meant was that she was actually related to Bill Fries; he was a cousin of her grandmother. (There's probably a concise term for that, but I haven't figured it out.) Not only that, but she met Bill's sister at a family reunion. Yeah, some Critters -- including me -- have actually talked to Bill or his sons, but Denise is the first real live relative to find the web site. She also plans to inform all of her relatives about it. Whether this is a Good IdeaTM remains to be seen. :)

So, we've got one connection to Bill Fries, right? Then Miles Lumbard told us of his own connection:

"As a result of the C.W. website I built ["Tales of the Four Wheel Cowboy" -- Ed.], I was contacted by a cousin I never knew I had, named Rob Lumbard. Rob lives in Des Moines. A good friend of Rob's is a guy named John Byler, who was C.W.'s sound man when he was touring, and married Bill's little sister."

Maybe there really is something to this "six degrees of separation" theory. Now if we can just find someone who's related to Al Packer...

Headline News

During some behind-the-scenes discussion of the plans for Convoy 2000, Carey Dodson speculated

"Now if I could only somehow tie-in C.W. with the Elián Gonzales story..."

I read this sentence during a slow point in my day, but after the morning caffeine had kicked in. I could not resist; I felt that a response was in order.

"Breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Dinghy. You gotta copy on me Cabana Boy, c'mon? Ah, yeah, 10-4, fer shure, fer shure, by golly it's clean clear to Big Orange, c'mon. Yeah, that's a big 10-4 amigo, ¡Dios mio! looks like we got us a convoy!"

I am now running for cover...

The Legend-News Emporium

Looking for something related to C.W. McCall? There's not much now, but when the Crispy Critters Take Over The World, the merchandising opportunities will be vastly expanded.

The Real McCall: album cover It Must Be The Digital

The Real McCall: An American Storyteller is still available from American Gramaphone for US$9.98 plus $4.50 shipping. Send check, money order or credit card information to

American Gramaphone
9130 Mormon Bridge Rd
Omaha, NE 68152

or call the 24-hour order line at 800.446.6860. Operators are standing by, because we stole their chairs.

Stick it where the Sun shines The Stainless Steel Duck not a character created by Harry Harrison. It's a description of the hood ornament used in the Motion Picture "Convoy". John Billings has the original molds, and he's making copies [insert Rob Schneider sound file here]. The price is $65.00, plus $6.00 shipping. Check or money order only, no credit cards.

Billings Artworks
P.O. Box 257
Ridgway, CO 81432

And be sure to tell John "The Legend-News sent me." It won't get you a discount, but it'll make us feel good.

Song A’ Th’ Week

Christmas comes but once a year. And for the United States government, Christmas occurs on April 15th, a.k.a. "Tax Day". On this joyful holiday millions of U.S. citizens shower their Treasury with gifts of money in appreciation for all that the government has done for them.

Yeah, and monkeys are flying out of my butt.

April 15th was a Saturday this year, so we're getting a whole two extra days to render unto Caesar, with the deadline being midnight on Monday, the 17th. In honor of this occasion, we present the story of a man who wants to give it away before he's gone. No, it's not St. Francis of Assisi.

Take My Duds To The Junkman
(Ron Agnew)

From the album Roses For Mama.

Take my duds to the junkman
Give 'im ev'rything I got
Take my brass belt buckle an' my turquoise ring
I gotta get out while I'm hot
You ain't a-con-tri-bu-tin' to the way I'm livin',
Yer support don't mean a lot
Nobody gives a damn about what I am,
They give me stuff about what I'm not

Put my cash in a root beer bottle
But you better hold back a dime
So you can call someone who cares about a-hearin'
You can tell 'em how I wasted your time
Pack my songs in a suitcase
Send 'em out to old Dave Dee
An' you can take them earplugs outta yer head
'Cause you won't hear a thing from me

Some times I'm right,
Some times I'm wrong,
But most a' time I'm in-between
There's always somebody wantin' somethin' for nothin'
Somethin' gettin' nothin' for me
Well, you wanted me for dependency
But my will just turned to won't
Though you never cared about me when I did,
You gonna miss me when I don't

So, take my duds to the junkman
Give 'im ev'rything I got
Take my brass belt buckle an' my turquoise ring
I gotta get out while I'm hot
You ain't a-con-tri-bu-tin' to the way I'm livin',
Yer support don't mean a lot
Nobody gives a damn about what I am,
They give me stuff about what I'm not

Nobody gives a damn about what I am,
They give me stuff about what I'm not