The Legend-News

Monday, 2000 October 9 : Volume 3, Number 36

What We Got Here

The Question of the Week: how far apart can the vehicles be before they're not in a convoy? You won't find the answer in Convoy 2000, Day Three; and the Song A’ Th’ Week is "Convoy", the movie version.

Convoy 2000: Day Three

Thursday, 8 June 2000
Nothing happened. Really. Well, maybe the fact that I was on my own for the entire day had something to do with that.

If you'll recall, at noon on the seventh of June I'd left Gallup, New Mexico with Snoopy behind me. Pretty far behind, as it turned out, but that's last issue's story. And Skywalker was stuck in Gallup, awaiting the arrival of a replacement engine for the one in his Geo Metro which had gone to that Great Scrap Heap In The Sky. By the end of the day Snoopy and I had reteamed but he stopped for the night in Shamrock, Texas while I made my way to OK City in a mini-convoy that consisted of me and a trucker called Rolling Thunder. I hit the hay at 2 A.M.

At 8:30 on Thursday morning I was up and packing. That done, I parked in front of the TA Travel Center, figuring that such a position would be best for monitoring any approach that Snoopy might make. Now Snoopy (back in Shamrock) was supposed to get moving a bit earlier than that and meet me at 9:30 my local time. But 9:30 came and went without a word. At 10:17 I decided to get moving. Once again, I was already several hours behind the original schedule. I thought that Snoopy couldn't be too far behind. I was wrong, of course.

I set the cruise control at the speed limit and sat back to enjoy the ride. Up the Oklahoma and Will Rogers Turnpikes into Missouri. I saw some interesting signs on the road. On the OK Turnpike: "Do not drive into smoke." I thought that it deserved a "duh!", but then I thought, "Smoke is that common out here that you've got to warn drivers? And what causes the smoke?" Facts of which I am not yet sure... And west of exit 289 on the Will Rogers, "Warning! Hitchhikers may be escaping inmates." I passed through Tulsa at noon, and Mount Vernon, Missouri at 2. I was now only an hour behind schedule, assuming that I didn't stop in Mount Vernon. But I needed the break, so I stopped. 5 'til 3 and off again.

A sign on eastbound I-44: "Road project ahead. Prepare to be annoyed." And a billboard that advertised "Jesse James Wax Museum. Featured on Real People." Didn't that show get cancelled about 20 years ago?.

Approaching St. Clair and the last rest area in Missouri, I noted that the signs to the exit said "Area Closed". This information would probably be very useful to know at the previous rest area west of here, in which I did stop. At that other area, there was a sign that said "Temporary facilities. Use St. Clair." Your tax dollars at work.

I looped around St. Louis and reached northbound I-55 at a quarter to 8. Two hours later, I stopped at the Best Inn in Bloomington, only 70 minutes behind schedule. But two things were missing: Skywalker and Snoopy. Now I figured that Skywalker was probably on the road, if the mechanic's estimate of completion was 4 P.M. (and that's two time zones west of here). Where's Snoopy?

Snoopy Come Home (Part Two)

I told him (Silversmith) I'd catch some shuteye, be on the road by 7:00, and meet him there around 9:30. ...I never even heard the alarm. Got on the road about 1:00 in the afternoon, and figured I'd be one leg behind Ed all day, since Day 3 was 677 miles. (Next time we do this, we all need cell phones.)

Managed about the right mileage on Day 3, crashed for the night just west of St Louis.

— Snoopy

Next: Day Four: Yawn.

Song A’ Th’ Week

Continuing the Fries/Davis compositions from A to Z...

This guy named Peckinpah figures that the story of the Convoy (the one in the song, not Convoy 2000) would make a good movie, so he makes one; and Bill's got to rewrite the lyrics to fit the new situation. Peckinpah probably could have made a 3,000-mile long movie, but Cannonball Run beat him to it.

(Louis F. Davis, William Fries, C.W. McCall)
From the album Music From The Motion Picture "Convoy"

[On the CB]
Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Love Machine? Ah, 10-4, Pig Pen, fer shure, fer shure. By golly, it's clean clear to Taco Town. Yeah, we definitely got us the front door, good buddy. Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy...

Film reel Arizona, noon, on the seventh of June
When they highballed over the pass
Bulldog Mack with a can on back
And a Jaguar haulin' ass
He's ten on the floor, stroke an' bore
Seatcover's startin' ta gain
Now beaver, you a-truckin' with the Rubber Duck
An' I'm about ta pull the plug on your drain

'Cause we got a little ol' convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy,
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the U-S-A

[On the CB]
Ah, breaker, Pig Pen, this here's the Duck, again, and ah you wanna back off on them go-go girls? 10, roger, 'bout five mile or so. Yeah, them hogs is gettin' in-tense up here.

New Mexico, on I-four-oh
Like a Texas lizard on glass
One thousand pedals was mashin' the metal
Them bears was a-walkin' the grass
We trucked all day and we trucked all night
Pig Penny improvin' our style
We could tell by the smell
We was headin' for Hell
And the Devil was Dirty Lyle

'Cause we got a great big convoy
Rockin' through the night.
Yeah, we got a great big convoy,
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the U-S-A.

[This next verse appears only in the movie itself; it's not in the song on the soundtrack album.]

Texas dawn and the charge was on to the pits of Alvarez town
We had nine of our best comin' outta the west
And the ultimate hammer was down
Yeah, speed-trap city and we showed no pity
'Cause the whole damn place was a pile
We could tell by the smell it was trucker's hell
And the devil was Dirty Lyle

[On the CB]
Ah, now here's the plan, Pig Pen. When we get to the pass, we're gonna put on our fish costumes, pass out the Vaseline® an' an extra ration a' rum for the men. That should do it.

Now Lyle was a creep
He was tacky and cheap
But he had him a badge an' a gun
He hated the Duck and he hated his truck
And he loved to bust truckers for fun
So he followed the line
And he bided his time
And he watched for his chance to strike
Then he picked on a trucker
Yeah, a wiry ol' sucker
Yeah, the trucker they call Spider Mike
But the great Rubber Duck
Sorta run outta luck
When he crossed that final bridge
There's choppers and rigs full'a guns an' pigs
They's wall-to-wall on the ridge
He showed no fear as he grabbed his gear
An' he stuck it in grandaddy low
Them guns went boom
An' his ass went zoom
An' the Mack took a terminal blow

[On the CB]
Ah, how 'bout ya, Big Nasty, c'mon there. Say, listen, Big Nasty, we sure are glad you was along on this here run ta kick ass, dontcha know? Ah, 10-4, I know you can't say "kick ass" on the CB. Back.

Well, that big black Mack stopped dead in her tracks
When the trailer blew high in the air
There was pieces of truck and some pieces of Duck
And junk and debris everywhere
Then the rig took a drink an' commenced to sink
And there was no Duck no more
But that evil smile from Dirty ol' Lyle
Shone south from the north Texas shore

'Cause we got a mighty convoy
Rockin' through the night.
Yeah, we got a mighty convoy,
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the U-S-A.

Convoy! Ah, 10-4,
Convoy! Pig Pen, what's your twenty? Omaha? Well,
Convoy! they oughta know what to do with them hogs out there fer shure. Well, listen, good buddy,
Convoy! keep the bugs off'n your glass and the bears off'n your ass. We'll
Convoy! catch you on the flip-flop. This here's the Rubber Duck on the side. Southbound an' down.
Convoy! We gone. 'Bye,'bye.

The Legend-News is Copyright 2000 TechRen Enterprises. Words To Live By: Never let your permanent girlfriend convince you to perform a duet of "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" at a friend's karaoke party; you'll be hoarse for at least a day. Thanks to Bill Fries and Chip Davis for the words and music.