The Legend-News

Monday, 2001 April 23 : Volume 4, Number 9

What We Got Here

Matt Groening's Futurama proves that C.W. McCall is appreciated one thousand years from now in Convoy 3001; adventurers without a yardstick find a river that's A Yard Wide And A Foot Deep; this summer, flashback to the '70s and Cannonball Run; and travel from LA to NJ in "Convoy 2000", the Song A’ Th’ Week in words and sound!

Convoy 3001

You may have seen Futurama this season, assuming that it wasn't pre-empted by yet another overly-long football game on FOX. In the episode "Parasites Lost" Fry's intestinal problems lead to a "Fantastic Voyage"-like trip into his insides to rid him of a bad infestation; but that's got nothing to do with C.W. McCall. The episode opens with a chorus of our anthem "Convoy" sung by Bill Fries himself. Obviously, the producers of Futurama recognized that using a cheesy cover version was not in their best interest. The song is used as the background for some shots of a space convoy and a visit of the Planet Express spaceship to a truck stop.

(The screen shots are from a RealVideo version of the episode, so they're a bit fuzzy. But you should get the idea.)

Traffic on the interspace highway
The Mighty Convoy

Interspace Highway
Historic √66

A flatbed full of chickens
Chickens In Spaaaace!

Greasy Sue's Greasy Truck Stop
Greasy Sue's Greasy Truck Stop

Bender fills up
Bender Gets Tanked

Fry checks out the vending machine
Aldebaran Ticklers, 50 cents; Breakable Combs, 75 cents; "Fresh" Egg Salad Sandwich, 25 cents.

Leela removes the bugs on the windshield of the Planet Express ship

The truckers recognize Leela
"Lookee there. It's one a' them things like on our mudflaps."
"Yosemite Sam?"

Thanks to Alan Chafin for sending the RealVideo file to us. We had thought about making it available for download, but (a) the file is 36 MB in size, and (b) we don't need to attract the attention of the FOX lawyers.

A Yard Wide And A Foot Deep

On the way west to the start of Convoy 2000 (which was last year, in case your calendar is running slow), the Al and Ed Show stopped along the way to check out some of the places made famous by C.W. McCall. In this photograph, they're on the east bank of the West Nishnabotna River and indicating the approximate dimensions of the stream.

The creek of C.W.'s childhood
From left: Alan 'Skywalker' Chafin, Ed 'Silversmith' Floden. About twenty feet behind them: the West Nishabotna River. Click on the picture for a larger image. (Photograph by Alan Chafin.)

Imagine Johnny Carson* as the all-knowing, all-seeing Karnak the Magnificient. He takes an envelope from his trusty sidekick; and holding it to his forehead he divines the answer to the question in the envelope. (By the way, that envelope has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar, kept on the front porch of Funk and Wagnells since noon yesterday. No one knows the contents of the envelope.) And the answer is…

Cannonball Run

Tearing open the envelope, the Mighty Karnak reads the question: "What is a drink made from lead shot and prune juice?" The studio audience moans in delight.

And speaking of coast-to-coast trips for dubious reasons, the latest addition to the so-called "reality show" genre on television is "Real Cannonball Run 2001", based on the 1971 automobile race which was the inspiration for the 1981 Burt Reynolds movie "Cannonball Run". In USA Network's version, six three-person teams will race from New York to California while encountering obstacles to their progress. The winning team gets $100,000. The show will air as a series of five one-hour shows during a single week in August 2000.

* You do remember Johnny Carson, don't you?

Song A’ Th’ Week

Remember last June, when a few vacation-challenged individuals made a coast-to-coast run called "Convoy 2000"? Well one of the participants, Alan "Skywalker" Chafin, wrote his own words to the tune of "Convoy". Nothing really unusual there; but in a moment (okay, several moments) of madness he actually produced an audio file of the song (1.8 MB, MP3 format). So download the song, click on Play, and sing along. And if you can't sing, just move your lips.

If you feel compelled to comment upon this opus, send a message to Alan.

Convoy 2000
(C.W. McCall, Bill Fries, Chip Davis; parody lyrics by Alan Chafin)

[On the CB]
Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You still got your ears on, Pig Pen? Ah, yeah, 10-4, Pig Pen, you got it right. We're gonna do that convoy thing one more time with a whole new mess a' recruits. Yeah, just point that big rig toward Flag Town 'cause we're ready to roll. Yeah, they're callin' this thing "Convoy 2000".

A rubber duck Was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June
With twenty-five years gone by
Since the "Convoy" song had first set sail
And hit a Number One high
Some friends of the Duck decided to go
Drive the route that the song had set
So we found a bunch a' crazy drivers
Usin' e-mail and that Internet

'Cause we got a little convoy
Rockin' through the night.
Yeah, we got a little convoy,
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the U-S-A.

[On the CB]
Ah, breaker, Pig Pen, this here's the Duck. Ain't you delivered them hogs yet? Well, take 'em through the truck wash at the T.A. up ahead. Maybe that'll take the smell down a notch or two.

Well we left on time from Shaky Town,
With Skywalker takin' the lead
And Silversmith drivin' right behind
As ol' Snoopy picked up speed.
On I-one-oh and I-seventeen
We were joined by ninety more trucks
By the time we got inta Gallup town
Well waitin' for us was the Duck!

'Cause we got a great big convoy
Rockin' through the night.
Yeah, we got a great big convoy,
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the U-S-A.

[On the CB]
Ah, Pig Pen you got one a' them Pee-cees in your rig with an uplink to the 'Net? Pig Pen, surf that there 'Net and find out how to de-smell them hogs. That smell'll shut down half the convoy. Mercy sakes.

Through Arizona then New Mexico
The Rubber Duck led the route
Through Texas and that Tulsa Town
Then Missouri state to boot
By the time we got to Illinoise
Well we got a big report
The National Guard was waitin'
Ta give us an armored es-cort
Those choppers, cars, and tanks and Jeeps
Was flankin' ev'ry truck
They'd come to join 'cross their state
Just to honor The Duck
They took us to the Indiana line
Where they called good-bye to us
And there, just waitin' on the other side
Was a chartreuse micra-bus.

[On the CB]
Ah, Rubber Duck to micra-bus; ain't you painted that thing yet? Nice ta see you Friends a' Jesus could join us again. Why don't you just slide in behind this here rig? I feel a lucky streak comin' on, 10-4.

Well, we ended the trip on the Jersey shore
At over ten thousand strong
That Atlantic town just can't compete
When the great Rubber Duck comes along.
Well the Duck called "Break" when his fans had finished
The greatest trip a' their lives
He said "Women and men, we'll do it again.
"In another twenty-five, 10-4"

'Cause we got a mighty convoy
Rockin' through the night.
Yeah, we got a mighty convoy,
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the U-S-A.

Convoy! Ah, 10-4, Pig Pen, looks like we made it again.
Convoy! I gotta be headin' back out to Colorado a piece. Give me a shout next time you come
Convoy! through, good buddy. Keep your bits backed and your hard drive
Convoy! hummin'. We'll be lookin' for them bear reports. This here's the Rubber Duck on the side.
Convoy! We catch ya on the flip-flop. 'Bye,'bye.

The Legend-News is Copyright 2001 TechRen Enterprises. "What's that black cracker?" "A tomato." Thanks to Bill Fries and Chip Davis for the words and music.