The Legend-News

Monday, 2001 December 10 : Volume 4, Number 25
What We Got Here in this edition of The Legend-News. …You Might Be A Crispy Critter: tell-tale signs that you're a fan of C.W. McCall; Old Home Café: more C.W. and T. Tommy; Song A’ Th’ Week: "Lewis and Clark".

…You Might Be A Crispy Critter
Know thyself.

If you call your snow-filled driveway the "Riverside Slide", you might be a Crispy Critter.

If you drive across four states just to buy a loaf of Old Home bread, you might be a Crispy Critter.

If you have visions of cows when someone mentions "go-go girls", you might be a Crispy Critter.

If you make daily searches on eBay for the word "McCall", you might be a Crispy Critter.

If you've ever driven from Los Angeles to Atlantic City just to prove that you could do it, you might be a Crispy Critter.

If you answer your cell phone with "This here's the Duck. Back!", you might be a Crispy Critter.

If you refer to your significant other as "Mavis" or "C.W.", you might be a Crispy Critter.

If your significant other refers to you as "Mavis" or "C.W.", they're probably being sarcastic.

If you eat at truck stops just for the ambiance, you might be a Crispy Critter. Or you might be a redneck.

If you petition the City of San Francisco to rename Lombard Street to "Wolf Creek Pass", you might be a Crispy Critter.

If you think that Black Bear Road is a shortcut between Ouray, Colorado and Telluride, you might be a Crispy Critter.

If you're reading this article, you are a Crispy Critter.

Old Home Café
Back where it all began

Once again, we're back to 16 November 1976, as Bill Fries (a.k.a. C.W. McCall) co-hosts a week of the syndicated radio show Music City U.S.A. with T. Tommy Cutrer.

We're going to skip some of the show, because it's not specifically about C.W. McCall. The segment which followed the playing of "The Silverton" featured a song by Joe Douglas, "I Thank God She Isn't Mine". Fans of Joe Douglas should check his fan sites for that song.

The next segment introduced singer Jackie Blackman [I hope that I've spelled her name correctly. — Ed.], a high-school senior from Mobile, Alabama. T. Tommy converses with her while C.W. stays in the background; and then T. Tommy plays the A side of Jackie's record, "When You're Touching Me". After that song and a commerical for an album of gospel music, the conversation with C.W. continues.

[T. Tommy] All right, C.W., tell us about the Lewis and Clark expedition.

[C.W.] Well you mentioned Omaha up there [C.W. is referring to a prior remark of T. Tommy's, who said that "… the only reason that C.W. comes to visit us … is to come south … and promote his material". — Ed.]. You know, we used to say "Omaha is where the West begins". But actually, it's where the East peters out.

[T. Tommy] I see.

[C.W.] You know that? Well, okay.

[T. Tommy] Is Omaha your home?

[C.W.] Yeah, it is now, lots more than Iowa.

[T. Tommy] They really have that big insurance company up there?

[C.W.] Yeah. Oh, you mean Mutual of Omaha?

[T. Tommy] Yeah.

[C.W.] Oh, yeah. Folks are up there: Wild Kingdom and all that, you know. The TV show…

[T. Tommy] Does Marlin Perkins live up there?

[C.W.] No, he doesn't. He comes through every now and then. We see him, and we talk to him.

[T. Tommy] Is he a nice fella?

[C.W.] Yes, he is. A very, very brilliant guy.

[T. Tommy] Thinkin' about it, anyone as tender with animals as he is would have to be a nice person.

[C.W.] Yes, he is. But right across the river from Omaha is Council Bluffs, which is what this song "Lewis and Clark" is all about. This is our bicentennial song, you might say, and we did this song about Lewis and Clark. And though it's not about the Lewis and Clark that you might think it is, it's about Jerry Lewis and Calvin Clark, who are a couple of Pottawattamie County Highway Patrol guys. And in the record, we call them "Fairweather Lewis" and "Willard Clark".

[T. Tommy] Are there actually a couple of fella up there that you know like that?

[C.W.] Yeah, there are. Lewis and Clark, the highway patrol team…

[T. Tommy] Do you have to tippy-toe into town now, after this one?

[C.W.] They're pretty famous up there now, as a result of this record

[T. Tommy] They're famous all over. Shall we listen to it? Here's C.W. McCall

Song A’ Th’ Week
Words without music. Call 'em poems.

The adventures of the Pottawattamie County Highway Patrol.

Lewis and Clark
(C.W. McCall, Bill Fries, Chip Davis)
From the album Black Bear Road

Now Arnold Jones an' MaryBeth Jensen's in a 'Vette down by the Deep Rock
Had John Denver on the 8-track, gettin' high
MaryBeth's wig was on the floor
An' Arnold's feet was out the door
When we shined our flashlight in Arnold's startled eyes
I says "What chew doin' boy?
Don't chew know that's against the law?
We just gonna hafta get this situation under control
Now my name is Fairweather Lewis an' this here's Willard Clark
We the Pottawattamie County Love Patrol."

Then two hippies in a Chevy's puffin' grass an' sippin' wine
'Bout fourteen mile south-east a' Council Bluffs
They's passin' 'round the peace-pipe
When we caught 'em with our flashlight
An' Willard's hairy hands applied the cuffs.
I says, "Boys you got some trouble
You committin' herb-i-cide.
We just gonna hafta get this situation under control
'Cause I'm Fairweather Lewis, an' this here's Willard Clark
We the Pottawattamie County Weed Patrol."

Then we spied ol' Marvin Kline a-headin' south on twenty-nine
Like a midnight auto ac-cessory store on wheels
His trunk was full a' hub caps
An' his back seat full a' tires
When we picked him up and made him spread his heels
I says, "Hands up-on the wall, boy
You allowed t' make one call
We just gonna hafta get this situation under control
Cause, see, I'm Fairweather Lewis, an' this here's Willard Clark
We the Pottawattamie County Rip-off Patrol."

Then Orval Hinkle left the Go-Go Club on his brand-new motor-sickle
Runnin' stop-lights, raisin' hell an' causin' accidents
His brain was doin' wheelies
An' his blood was three-two beer
When we nailed him in his driveway at his residence
I says, "Orval, you're in trouble boy
But if you'll blow this here balloon up
We gonna get your situation under control
Now I'm Captain Fairweather Lewis an' this here's Willard Clark
We the Pottawattamie County Juice Patrol."

Then we's passin' by the Dew Drop Inn when he heard this woman scream
So we pulled on in an' parked an' got the guns out
Well we bashed on through the lobby into unit seventeen
There's twenty-eight folks in there without no clothes on.
I says "Everbody up against the wall; show us yer identification.
We just gonna definitely get this situation under control
'Cause my name is Fairweather Lewis, an' this here's Willard Clark
We the Pottawattamie County Sin Patrol."

C'mon, Willard, let's go sneakin' 'round in the dark some more, never know what yer gonna find.

Old Home Café
Part Two

[T. Tommy] Fabulous story, C.W., that song. Hold on just a minute, another message about Beechnut, the greatest chewin' tobacco in the world. We'll be right back with C.W. McCall and Jackie Blackman.

[A commercial, of course. — Ed.]

My daddy was a mighty fine man
He taught me a thing or two
A woman can hurt, so you stay on your guard
And Beechnut's the tobacco you chew

Them times we'd go fishin', my daddy and me
He'd tell me ev'rything he ever knew
You go after big mouth, in close to the bank
And Beechnut's the tobacco you chew

Around here Beechnut's the word for chewin' tobacco. It's been that way, father and son, for a long, long time. What's the secret? It's the way Beechnut just keeps gettin' better. Like Beechnut's a lot moister these days, with more taste and less stems. Big improvements. You oughta try today's Beechnut Chewin' Tobacco.

And now I'm a daddy with a son's full grown
And I tell him a thing or two
Scared money don't win
Evil women drink gin
And Beechnut's the tobacco you chew

The Legend-News is Copyright 2001 TechRen Enterprises. "Didn't you know? Nobody really dies at The Centre." Thanks to Bill Fries and Chip Davis for the words and music.