The Legend-News

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Thursday, 2005 November 11 : Volume 8, Number 1

“All the filler that fits.”

Previously, In The Legend-News

Unbeknownst to our hero, the villainous duo of OnWee and The Depressor had been secretly collaborating on a fiendish plot to destroy, once and for all, their arch-nemesis, the editor and publisher of The Legend-News. Having trapped him on the deserted island of Idontcare Atoll, they were about to deliver the final blow, when suddenly…

This Issue Of The Legend-News Is Brought To You By

Whack-A-Prole, the game of economic bashing!

Are you the CEO of a major corporation, looking to brighten up your drab existence by treating everyone else like dirt? Then pick up a copy of Whack-A-Prole, the game where you can further depress the already miserable lives of your customers and the public at large!

Whack-A-Prole is now available in three terrific themes: Wal-Martian, Enron-around, and Microstuffed. And coming soon, Halliburstin’!

It's Back! O Frabjous Day!

Someone out there must be reading The Legend-News.

Two weeks ago, I sent out a message to all of the e-mail addresses that I had in the “subscribers” list, inquiring if those people wanted to remain on the mailing list for this irregularly-published journal. And of all the responses that I received, there was only one person who did not want to continue his subscription to this fine publication.

That ex-subscriber will soon realize the mistake which he made, and he will come crawling back, asking to be added to the list of recipients for The Legend-News. Yes, he will be begging, pleading and crying for mercy and absolution in a pathetic effort to save his soul from the eternal damnation that comes from not reading The Legend-News. He will pay for his error! Oh, how he will pay! Bahahahahahaha!

But I digress.

Welcome back to The Legend-News, the journal of record for C.W. McCall fandom. I haven’t published any issues for several months and for a variety of reasons; but I actually encountered some real news (see the next article) and I was motivated to pass it onto you. That, and I’ve managed to organize my life and get some free time to sit at the keyboard and type up this stuff.

I'm hoping to resume a publication schedule of one issue per month. I can’t promise that there will be any actual news in an issue — when your main subject is retired, not much happens — but I'll do my best to at least make this newsletter entertaining.

So, on with the show…

— Ed. (a.k.a. The Space Cadet, and alledged ringleader of the Crispy Critters)


Crossing The Rockies With C.W. McCall

Hey, kids! Look at this! The Legend-News has some real news!

Back in ’89 — 1989, that is — the Colorado Motor Carriers Association hired C.W. to narrate a cassette tape called Crossing the Colorado Rockies on I-70 with C.W. McCall. This informative audio guide was created to assist truckers who were not familiar with the road between Denver and Vail. It told of the hazards to expect and a bit of Colorado history.

Well, Crossing the Rockies has been updated! Yes, the CMCA got Bill to record some new words, and this time it’s on audio CD! The official notice has been posted on the CMCA web site:

“Crossing the Rockies” Audio Recording Completed

CMCA is proud to announce that the updated and revised version of “Crossing the Rockies” is complete. CDs are free of charge and will be distributed through the CMCA offices and the ports of entry on the I-70 corridor.

This recording will help drivers cross the I-70 corridor more safely, by “talking” the drivers through the grades, curves and traffic from Denver to Vail and back again. The CD also includes a bit of Colorado history, as well as general safety and courtesy tips regarding seatbelts, noise reduction, brake checks and chain-up areas. Mr. Bill Fries, aka C.W. McCall graciously recorded this for us, and also provided music by Mannheim Steamroller for this new version.

To order your free copies today, please call Patti Olsgard at 303-433-3375, ext. 304 or email her at patti@cmca.com.

Thanks to Patti, The Legend-News has its copy.

Crossing the Rockies CD Crossing the Rockies track list

Happy Birthday To Bill

And, if you haven't been watching your calendar, please note that the esteemed William D. Fries, Jr. will reach the milestone of seventy-seven years of age on November 15.

If you want to send snail-mail greetings, his address is PO Box E, Ouray, Colorado 81427-0589.


Late Breaking News

…because it’s news, and I’m late in breaking it.

David Frederick of Convoy: The Movie reported that on 12 September, singer Paul Brandt won the Canadian Country Music Association’s Album of the Year Award for his album This Time Around, and Video of the Year for the lead song on that album, “Convoy.”

If you haven’t heard of Paul, or seen his video, then you’re probably not in Canada. CMT, the US of A network, doesn’t seem to promote Canadian artists unless they’re named Shania.

David also has his own “newsletter,” Convoy_CW McCall, at AOL Journals.


Long, Long Ago In An E-Mail Far, Far Away

Chris Guenther mentioned a couple of interesting items. In February. Yes, I haven’t been following up on my mail.

A couple of things you might want to be aware of. For those readers who are interested in seeing and reading more about the Galloping Geese, here’s a nice page from the Colorado Railroad Museum. Too bad they don’t mention where number 5 is, huh?

Also, I stumbled accross a local band here in the Denver area that calls itself “Crispy Critters.” I’ve written to the band to find out where they got that cool name and I’ll keep you posted. Their small website is www.crispycrittersband.com. [Update, 2012-05-01: This site is 404. There is a band called “The Crispy Critters” that is based in New York state, but they’re not the band that is described here. — Future Ed.]

Intrigued by this apparent homage to Chet Willie, I used my trusty PowerBook to fire off an enquiry to the band. Mike Studeny replied, but his news was both good and bad.

Well, the Crispy Critters called it quits this summer. We were a 6 or 7 piece groove rock band from Denver that performed for over 5 years. We had a couple guys from Texas in the band and when we were trying to think of a name Critters came up with a good ring. Then somebody else started using the term Crispy and we put them both together. In doing our research about where the name might have been used before we found C.W. McCall’s song and it was hilarious (every once in a while we would play his song over the house sound system right before we hit the stage). Then we came across the cereal and we busted up on that too. Other Army friends of ours gave their version on Crispy Critters and so on and so on.

So there you have it. A once bright star in the musical heavens has flamed out. So it goes.


You’ve Got A Friend Mapper

I’ve made an addition to the Crispy Critters page: a link to a map at Frappr!. [Well, there was a Frappr map, but Frappr was bought and the buyer closed it down. — Future Ed.]

“Frappr!” is an abbreviation of “friend mapper.” It’s a site, based on Google Maps, that allows you to stick a “push-pin” into a map and show your friends where you are. So if you’re in the United States, the United Kingdom or Japan, go to Frappr! and pin-point your location on the “Crispy Critters” map. I’ve started the map by adding my pin.


Somewhere In The San Juan Mountains

Edwin Buckner drove through C.W. Country on his way from the Heartland to La-La Land.

This summer me and the wife and the four kids camped our way out to LA, CA from our home in KC. We had never visited Southern Colorado. We rode the big red Dodge Ram instead of a you drive-em army jeep car. First night was in Lathrop State Park near Walsenburg, CO. We saw no women there who made love like a buffalo herd. Perhaps they migrated. We then traveled across CO via US 160. I grew up in Southern New Mexico along one of those highways (US 82) that eat eastern truckers like candy, but I found new respect for Wolf Creek Pass way up on the Great Divide. This was June. We played in the snow. Near the summit we saw a marmot sitting on a guard rail post. We stopped in Durango to buy chigger cream, but did not have the time to examine, much less ride, the Silverton. But, we did take a gander at her as we drove by. We camped at Mesa Verde and after that it was on to LACA via Monument Valley, Grand Canyon, Zion. Oh, yeah, we are going back, but forget LACA. We will stop in CO. Maybe even Ouray. Our pastor is from Montrose, so we will see what he says.


The Rubber Duck In One-Sixty-Fourth Scale

About a year back, Die Cast Promotions announced that they would be producing a series of six tractor-trailer combinations to celebrate the legend of C.W. McCall. Here at Legend-News Central we’ve got our six, and one of these days we’ll take a picture to prove it.

Did I mention that Yours Truly wrote the words on the back of the box?


Old Home Café

Not too many tourists stop by the Old Home Café at 3 A.M.

A half-dozen idling rigs where parked in the Café’s lot on a cool late October evening, as a light fog rolled down the highway and through the parking lot. The lights above the pumps glowed fuzzily, like UFOs coming in for an abduction.

Carol was the only waitress on duty at this time of night. She had just poured another refill of coffee for a trucker from Denver who was headed east to Ohio with a load of empty beer bottles. It was her twenty-seventh cup of the night, by her count.

Carol didn’t know the driver — he wasn’t a regular, but the tag on his shirt said “Sam” — but she could tell you the load of any 18-wheeler that stopped by the Café. Steel, appliances, home electronics, paper, she tallied it all as it came through town, and thought about the places that the trucks had been and where they were going — places that she would probably never see.

Outside, a black Mercedes pulled up to the unleaded pump. The driver swiped his credit card, pumped his gas, and squeegeed his windows while the tank filled. Carol noted the car; it had Nebraska plates, and Nebraska was forty miles away. Most likely a rental, thought Carol.

The Café didn’t see too many four-wheelers at this time of the morning. Back before the Interstate took most of the traffic, seeing a car traveling at night wasn’t unusual. A lot of long-distance tourists drove by night then, when the traffic was low and the temperature was lower. But most travelers now blew past on the blacktop, at 65 miles per hour or better, too stressed to stop on their way to Omaha, or Des Moines, or points further away. The Old Home Café was an exit ramp to a too-long pause in their harried journey.

His tank filled, the driver pulled over to a parking space outside the front door and came inside. “Morning,” he said, and took a seat at a window table. “Is your boss in?” he asked.

Carol gave him a who-do-you-think-you-are look. “Honey,” she said, “at this time of the day, I’m the boss. Whatcha need?"

To be continued…


The Legend-News is published randomly by TechRen Enterprises, an Earth-2 registered company. Copyright 2005 TechRen Enterprises, except for the stuff that we borrowed from elsewhere. Send complaints, kudos, suggestions and news to legend-news@cw-mccall.com. “Wings was a television show. It was the Dharma & Greg of its day.”