The Legend-News

Monday, 2006 July 17 : Volume 9, Number 3 Latest⇒

“All the news that gives us fits.”

Special “Boy, Is It Hot” Issue

Currently, the temperature outside of the Legend-News office is 31 Celsius, or 88 Fahrenheit for those of you who think that spelling “Fahrenheit” is easy. Fortunately, the temperature inside the office is 26 Celsius (do your own conversion) with a humidity of 68 percent and a light breeze from the fan in the corner. Now you know why I'm not going outside today. And yesterday, the high was 35!

Nothing much has happened lately. Now you can read about it.

Legend-News Extra: Celsius To Fahrenheit Conversion

Celsius to Fahrenheit: take the temperature, multiply by 1.8, then add 32. For example, 30 * 1.8 = 54; 54 + 32 = 86.

Fahrenheit to Celsius: subtract 32, then divide by 1.8. Example: 95 - 32 = 63; 63 / 1.8 = 35.

Ultra-Mega-Super Wal-Mart Is Now The Only Store In Town

The nation’s first Ultra-Mega-Super Wal-Mart has just completed its first year of business in tiny Renard River, Illinois, and it is truly the only store in town.

When Wal-Mart announced their intention to build the humungous retail outlet in Renard River, doomsayers predicted that all of the quaint small shops and Mom-and-Pop businesses in town would be forced out of business by Wal-Mart’s ruthless price-dropping and loss leaders. And now the wide variety of items which were available in Renard River’s fifty-two stores can no longer be found: only a small variety of the cheapest and most-popular products are for sale at Wal-Mart. From milk to mulch, Wal-Mart is the town’s shopping headquarters.

Supporters of Wal-Mart’s destruction of the local economy point out that, if you don’t want to shop at the Ultra-Mega-Super Wal-Mart, you can always drive to the the next town, fifteen miles away, to shop at a smaller, Mega-Super Wal-Mart.

The Renard River doomsayers are planning a barbecue to celebrate their correct prediction of the town’s future. The exact date of the barbecue has yet to be determined, but it will happen as soon the doomsayers are able to save enough money from the low wages which they receive from their seven-day-a-week jobs at the Ultra-Mega-Super Wal-Mart.

This Issue Of The Legend-News Is Brought To You By

Parsons Restaurant Products, purveyors of innovative commercial kitchen equipment. Our premiere product is the AutoDog, an automatic, customizable dispenser of hot dogs and other sausage products onto buns. Easily-loaded condiment tanks and a self-cleaning conveyor system can turn your hole-in-the-wall greasy spoon into a tourist attraction! Your customer inputs her order using a membrane-type keyboard (also easy-to-clean) and then watches the construction of her sandwich as it moves down the assembly line, viewable through a plexiglass window that runs the length of the AutoDog.

Ask for a demonstration today!

Parson Restaurant Products, a division of TechRen Enterprises.

Critter On The Loose

Chris Doyle is teaching truck and heavy equipment driving at National Truck Drivers School in Jacksonville, Florida. Apparently his work load isn’t heavy enough, because he found the time to send in a couple of pointers: a digital recreation of the R.D. Trucking tanker from The Motion Picture CONVOY (see the Downloads section for more pictures, and check out the Truck Games), and an off-Broadway play based on “Convoy”.

C.W. Wrote A Song About It

Glenwood Canyon: An I-70 Odyssey. One of the last sections of Interstate highway to be completed, and probably the most difficult to construct. C.W. didn’t like the idea of this section of the road, as it would run through a very beautiful area of the Rockies.

Other Stuff That We Found

Citizen’s Banditry, by Wes Clark . Them ol’ CB radios do have a use.

Things On The Desk

Cat. Cell phone. Wireless phone (not the same thing). Squeeze bottle of water with sponge on top for moistening envelopes. Nail clippers. Nail clippings. VCR. Digital camera. Mason jar that says “Atlas”, with ice-diluted strawberry-lemon-lime Kool-Aid in it. About 10 blank DVD-R discs. Remote control for VCR. Old mouse pad, used as coaster for Mason jar. Scratch pad made from old Dilbert desk calendar, held together with giant binder clip. “EPCOT Center” coffee mug holding pens, pencils, Mag-Lite flashlight (2-AA size), forceps, lab thermometer, felt-tip markers, and two pairs of scissors. Swiss Army Knife. Leatherman CS-4. Various pieces of miscellaneous paper. Four copies of Indian movies (India Indians, not American Indians). Twenty-one slim CD cases. Hewlett-Packard LaserJet 1320. Clipboard with out-dated To Do list. Bluetooth wireless keyboard. Bluetooth wireless mouse. Speakers for computer. Computer (Dual 2.3GHz Power Macintosh G5). Bifocals. Wooden Anu carving of a bear, made in Japan. Can of compressed air.

The Legend-News is published randomly by TechRen Enterprises, one step beyond. Copyright 2006 TechRen Enterprises, except for the stuff that we borrowed from elsewhere. Send complaints, kudos, suggestions, news and other contributions to “Kittens give Morbo gas.”