The Legend-News

Wednesday, 2006 November 15 : Volume 9, Number 4 Latest⇒

“News not fit for man nor beast.”

What We Got Here

There’s a rumor goin’ ’round that the editor and publisher of The Legend-News is a shiftless, worthless, good-for-nuttin’ slacker low-life with the work ethic of a three-toed sloth. That is not true! I have never been a slacker! A procrastinator, maybe, but never a slacker.

Truthfully, I have been busy for the past few months reorganizing this firetrap that I call an office. Paperless, my butt! Four computers, nine reams of 20-pound for the laser printer, and little notes laying every which way on the desk, on the credenza, in the desk drawers, and pinned to the corkboard. And don’t forgot the scrawlings on the whiteboard! But all is better now, as the notes are now somewhat organized into a bunch of brown folders with Post-It® notes on the outside, summarizing the bold concepts within.

Most of those notes are proving to be useful. Many of them are ideas that I had for my soon-to-resurrected bad fiction, a.k.a. “Tales of the Old Home Café”. (If you haven’t yet read the original stories, get thee to the Old Home Café page and catch up on ’em. Go ahead; I’m not proud.) Yes, wacky storylines and comedic situations are being plotted, and one day soon you’ll be reading the results. You will be reading them, won’t you? Please? Pretty please? What, you want a sample? Okay, there’s one at the end of this issue of The Legend-News.

Hey! Not so fast! You gotta read this from the top!

Thank you.

Not that I’ll ever have a chance at getting paid for typing my drivel; but I did receive some encouragement from an author of note:

“Incidentally, if I really wanted to put my life on film, I’d write the screenplay myself, full of lies and distortions. Now maybe if I got a call from Spielberg…or you…(you are my favorite writer, as of this writing)...ah, well.“ — Anon.

So, for at least one bright, shining moment, I have been someone’s favorite writer, and I’m taking that as a challenge. I’ve got me a copy of Final Draft (it’s legal), a few books on screenwriting, and several hundred movies on the shelf for inspiration. As for the necessary lies and distortions, hey, I’ve got some great presumptions.



I gotta get me an agent.

— Ed.

A Birthday Tale

Once upon a time — 78 years ago today, actually — in a little town in Iowa called Audubon, a boy by the name of Willy Fries was born. In 1974 he became famous; then he retired, and lives happily ever after in Ouray, Colorado. The End.

Happy birthday, Bill!

Critters In The Wild

Randall “Snoopy” Clague reports that “the guys in the hangar [at XCOR Aerospace] are building a 40,000 pound rocket test stand to the cheerful sounds of C.W. McCall’s Greatest Hits.”

Inflation Continues To Rear Its Ugly Head

John Billings, of Billings ArtWorks (“The best damn awards money can’t buy“) told us that the price of “The Convoy Duck” had to be increased (boo!), but he’s still making them (yay!). If your truck feels naked, get yourself one of these “angry” Rubber Duck hood ornaments, just like the one on Martin Penwalt’s truck in the movie CONVOY.

Stuff That Bears Repeating

You can’t buy a copy of the videotape for “San Juan Odyssey”, because it’s no longer being produced. Bill Fries (remember him?) told The Legend-News that the VHS tapes have been discontinued, but he is considering a DVD version.

Matt McCain got a “Convoy” birthday card! It’s made by Hallmark. You can see Matt’s pictures in the Museum. Be sure to play the QuickTime movie at the bottom of the page.

The Earl-y Show

Chas. Ames was watching the November 2 episode of the NBC-TV comedy “My Name Is Earl“, when Earl, his brother Randy, and their friend Joy spied on a neighbor in their trailer park, and used walkie-talkies to communicate; which lead to an impromptu performance of “Convoy“.

The trio is crouched behind a bush, preparing to initiate their plan.

EARL: You guys ready to do this?

RANDY (into walkie-talkie): Breaker one-nine, this here’s the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Pig Pen, c’mon?

EARL: Nice, “Convoy“. They should make more movies outta country songs.

JOY (pauses for a moment, then begins to sing): We got a great big convoy, rockin’ through the night.

EARL and RANDY join in.

ALL THREE: Yeah, we got a great big convoy, ain’t she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy, ain’t nothin’ gonna get in our way. We’re gonna roll this truckin’ convoy across the U. S. A.

Convoy! (pause for four beats)


EARL (into walkie-talkie): Ten-four, Rubber Duck. Pig Pen’s got his ears on.

RANDY: You gotta push the button down.

Later, when EARL and RANDY arrive at the Sisters of Redemption, a convent:

EARL: What is this place, a convent?

RANDY: We got a great big convent, truckin’ through… nuns! Nuns! (As two sisters approach them.)

“My Name Is Earl” at IMDb

Support Uncommercial Radio

Classic Heartland, a streaming Internet radio station, is conducting its Fall Roundup and it’s looking for donations from its listeners.

If you’ve never heard of Classic Heartland, then you’re probably still trapped listening to a hit-of-the-minute, beer-commercials-twelve-times-per-hour, commercial radio station. Classic Heartland plays classic country, western, bluegrass and alternative country music, and it doesn’t play commercials. Go to and check it out.

Tales Of The Old Home Café

Tale 1: Tube Steak Boogie

Many people do not talk during meals. In an effort to stimulate conversation, Jon Bach had placed a small blackboard on the wall by the register, and had written ’Topic of the Day’ at the top of the board. Each day, below that heading, he would write a word or two, a subject on which to muse.

Regular customers at the Old Home Café appreciated the ‘Topic of the Day’, and quite few had offered suggestions for possible topics. For example, today’s topic of “hot dogs”.

But occasionally a customer who wasn’t a regular would stop in, to be confused by the blackboard. Mary Knowles was one of those customers.

“Hot dogs?” Mary asked Jon, reading the ‘Topic of the Day’. “Is that the special?“

“No, ma’am,” said Jon. “It’s a conversation starter. If you can’t think of anything to discuss over lunch, you can discuss hot dogs.“

“What if I don’t like hot dogs?” Mary asked.

“Then you could talk about hamburgers, or anything else,” Jon explained.

“I don’t like hamburgers, either,” said Mary. “I don’t eat beef anymore. I don’t want to catch that mad cow disease.“

Misinformation was rampant, thought Jon. “The possibility of getting Mad Cow Disease from a hot dog is remote. You’d have a better chance of being struck by lightning,” he said to Mary. “And you don’t need to talk about food. The ‘Topic of the Day’ is just a suggestion. It’s not written in stone.“

“It’s written in chalk,” Mary said, pointing to the blackboard. “There’s no stone there.“

“We were out of stones today,” said Jon, then he changed the subject. “Would you like to order?“

Mary browsed the menu. “Do you have hot dogs?” she asked, staring at the menu. “I don’t see them here,” she said, althought the hot dogs were clearly listed under the heading ‘Hot Dogs’ at the top of page two.

Jon imagined that a non sequitur had just occured. “Didn’t you say that you didn’t like hot dogs?” he asked.

“Only the regular ones,” Mary said. “I like the ones without meat. You know, soybean hot dogs. Do you have soybean hot dogs?“

“Yes, we have tofurkey dogs. They’re made with tofu.“

“I don’t like tofu. I like soybean hot dogs.“

“Ma’am, tofu is made from soybeans,” said Jon, wondering why Mary didn’t know the relationship between tofu and soybeans.

“‘Tofu’ isn’t an English word,” said Mary. ‘Soybean’ is. This is America, and we speak English here.“

“Okay. Then that’s one soybean hot dog?” asked Jon, writing her order on his pad, and mentally stepping back from the obvious retort ‘if this is America, shouldn’t we speak American?’ Instead he asked “What would you like on your hot dog? Mustard? Onions? Relish?“

“Ketchup,” said Mary. “Just ketchup. And fries.“

Ketchup? She’s a hot dog heathen, thought Jon, but he didn’t say it. “Thank you,” is what he said, and he turned to take the order to the kitchen.

But then he turned back toward Mary. He knew that he shouldn’t do this, but the combination of mad cow hot dogs and ketchup he could not simply ignore. “By the way,” he said to Mary, “did you know that tomatoes are related to the poisonous nightshade?“

And with that remark, Jon quickly walked away, leaving Mary with her mouth agape and wondering if ketchup as a condiment was really safe to eat.

The Legend-News is published randomly by TechRen Enterprises, in the jungle, the mighty jungle. Copyright 2006 TechRen Enterprises. Send complaints, kudos, suggestions, news and other contributions to “It’s mutated into human form! Shoot it!“