Iraqi Convoy
Ray Grossman
Ray Grossman, a National Guardsman, sent to us this parody of “Convoy” in June 2004. It has a unique view of the difficulties that drivers face as they roll through the desert of Iraq, even when they're in armored (they hope) vehicles.
For the militarily-impaired, there's a glossary at the end which explains the jargon.
And that picture on the right? That’s Grossie.
Was the light of the moon, on April Fool’s
When we pulled on out of Kuwait
50 cal. gunner spinning ’round and ’round
’Cuz we were running ’bout 3 hours late
We was off to Anaconda on Highway One
With a mile of old school trucks
We planned on making it in three short days
With some ammo and a whole lotta luck
’Cuz we got a Guardsman convoy, rocking thru the night
Yeah we got a Guardsman convoy, barely armored anywhere in sight
Please don’t join our convoy, Herrera is leading our way
Anaconda, here comes our convoy, so we can guard those gates
Convoy
Convoy
In the middle of the day we were on our way but we had to flip a bitch
Made a wrong turn on the Haji Interstate and we felt like Jessica Lynch!
We had to pee, and we couldn’t see, ’cuz the road was a dusty mess
And somewhere there on this crummy road we lost a trailer to a PLS!
’Cuz we got a Guardsman convoy, rocking thru the day
Yeah we got a Guardsman convoy, every body get outta our way
Please help out our convoy, our gunners are getting chapped lips
And warn us of the overpass before we get bruised ribs
Convoy
Convoy
We rolled on the Baghdad cloverleaf
Like warriors ready to kill
Our SINGARS kept on crapping out
And the trash heaps made us ill
The traffic was thick as bugs on a bumper
But we never hit an I.E.D.
Bartowski fired off his Mark Nineteen
And he claimed he nailed an R.P.G.!
Yeah we got a Guardsman convoy, and we made it all the way!
Yeah we got a Guardsman convoy, we’re here to wreck the day
Now we don’t run no convoys, we guard the dump and all of the gates
And deal with stupid B.S. ’cuz soldiers they think we ain’t
Convoy
Convoy
Glossary
- Kuwait: a small country on the Arabian peninsula. We saved its ass, once.
- 50 cal. gunner: the soldier with a 50 caliber machine gun.
- Anaconda: Camp Anaconda, in Balad, Iraq. North of Baghdad, on Highway One. The popular tourist destination of Tikrit is about 85 kilometers north of Anaconda.
- Highway One: a highway that heads north by northwest out of Baghdad, to Al Mawsil and then northwest to the Syrian border.
- Old school trucks: leftover vehicles from previous wars.
- Flip a bitch: make a U-turn.
- Haji Interstate: Any of the major Iraqi highways. “Haji” is a generic term for an Iraqi.
- Jessica Lynch: she made a wrong turn, got captured, got rescued.
- PLS: Palletized Load System; basically, a military truck that hauls containers.
- Baghdad cloverleaf: as in the U.S., the intersections of major highways.
- SINGARS: Single Channel Ground and Air Radio System, a.k.a. “SINCGARS”.
- I.E.D.: Improvised Explosive Device. A homemade bomb, just like MacGyver used to make.
- Mark Nineteen: a.k.a. “Mk 19”. A 40mm grenade launcher/machine-gun (and here it is mounted on a Humvee).
- R.P.G.: rocket-propelled grenade.