Iraqi Convoy
Ray Grossman

Ray Grossman, a National Guardsman, sent to us this parody of “Convoy” in June 2004. It has a unique view of the difficulties that drivers face as they roll through the desert of Iraq, even when they're in armored (they hope) vehicles.

For the militarily-impaired, there's a glossary at the end which explains the jargon.

And that picture on the right? That’s Grossie.

grossie Was the light of the moon, on April Fool’s
When we pulled on out of Kuwait
50 cal. gunner spinning ’round and ’round
’Cuz we were running ’bout 3 hours late

We was off to Anaconda on Highway One
With a mile of old school trucks
We planned on making it in three short days
With some ammo and a whole lotta luck

’Cuz we got a Guardsman convoy, rocking thru the night
Yeah we got a Guardsman convoy, barely armored anywhere in sight
Please don’t join our convoy, Herrera is leading our way
Anaconda, here comes our convoy, so we can guard those gates

In the middle of the day we were on our way but we had to flip a bitch
Made a wrong turn on the Haji Interstate and we felt like Jessica Lynch!
We had to pee, and we couldn’t see, ’cuz the road was a dusty mess
And somewhere there on this crummy road we lost a trailer to a PLS!

’Cuz we got a Guardsman convoy, rocking thru the day
Yeah we got a Guardsman convoy, every body get outta our way
Please help out our convoy, our gunners are getting chapped lips
And warn us of the overpass before we get bruised ribs

We rolled on the Baghdad cloverleaf
Like warriors ready to kill
Our SINGARS kept on crapping out
And the trash heaps made us ill
The traffic was thick as bugs on a bumper
But we never hit an I.E.D.
Bartowski fired off his Mark Nineteen
And he claimed he nailed an R.P.G.!

Yeah we got a Guardsman convoy, and we made it all the way!
Yeah we got a Guardsman convoy, we’re here to wreck the day
Now we don’t run no convoys, we guard the dump and all of the gates
And deal with stupid B.S. ’cuz soldiers they think we ain’t